What marriage is really about. . . .
After an increasingly frustrating conversation I just had with a friend of mine who is probably going to be engaged soon, I had to come on here and say what's on my mind, because I know she'll read it if it's here. We got into such a hissy fit over the phone that I really didn't get to answer her questions properly, so this blabbing here is an attempt to make up for the conversation we just had or didn't have; it wasn't much of a conversation. And naturally hon, I won't share your name, but you know who you are.
Marriage is not all about what you are going to get. You are Catholic, and you have been raised very well, but if all you are thinking about when you meet a nice young Catholic man is "oh boy, now I get to stay home and sit on my butt while he works so that I can stay home and have babies, and he'll treat me like a lady and he'll be a gentleman, and he'll buy me nice clothes and presents, and he'll never make me do anything I don't want to do" yada yada, prattle prattle. . . I don't think you are in the proper frame of mind to get married, and I will elaborate.
Marriage is about giving. That sounds pretty gay, but I'm serious. The love that holds a marriage together should NOT make you think of yourself and what you're going to get, but when you love someone in the proper way for marriage, you will find yourself thinking, "he'll never be alone or unsupported again, because I will always be by his side; he'll never eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day for two weeks ever again because I'm going to cook for him; he'll never walk out of the house for work in pants that haven't been washed for three weeks, because I am going to take pride in his appearance and wash his laundry for him; he'll never be lonely again, because I LOVE HIM!". In other words, when you love someone, truly love someone, the main thought and the main current flowing through your heart is about sacrifice, about what YOU are going to do for HIM. It is your vocation, not your vacation.
Hon, are you willing to give up sleeping in until 10 o' clock every morning, so that you can get out of bed with your husband when he gets up to go to work, and make him a piece of toast or bagel and cup of coffee while he's in the shower? Are you willing to keep quiet when he disregards your advice and makes a mistake, instead of feeding your own self love by crowing "I told you so?" Is your main objective to make his life the happiest life on earth? Or is it all about you?
The reason I'm writing this kiddo is because our conversation alarmed me. Everything you told me was about how YOU feel, what YOU are going to get out of this, how happy YOU'LL be. You came to me for advice because I am your age and have been married for almost two years, but you really didn't want my advice or you would have talked to me instead of putting up the defense shields.
You should really read "Three to Get Married" by Archbishop Fulton Sheen. It is a great starting point to finding out what marriage is really all about. Like I said, it is a vocation, and it is undertaken with all of the seriousness that a religious takes up her vocation with. This is a life of sacrifice, self-denial and discipline. It is not a perpetual day-dream. But just as Jesus rewards His religious spouses with His love and consolation, heavenly delights awaiting them, so will your husband reward you ten-fold for the things you give to him. The more you sacrifice for him, the more you cheerfully and totally willingly give up for him and to him, the more he will be encouraged to do the same for you, and he will do it, because he will delight in making you happy. But what if he doesn't respond to your efforts? What if the man we were talking about today gets so wrapped up in work 10 years from now that he forgets to say I love you in the morning, or is away for long periods of time and can't show his affection? Will you wither and dry up because you are not receiving attention? It is tempting, yes, I won't deny it. We ladies want to be cherished and loved, every second. But that is our temptation, our cross, to get so wrapped up in our self-love, our longing for approval and appreciation. . .we can miss the bigger picture, that being our marriage is the plan worked out for our salvation. The times we are misunderstood by our spouses, we offer that up as sacrifice! The times we don't get the I love you's we want, or whatever we want, these are gifts from God to us, to offer these things up for our own penance and for the salvation of souls.
If you're not willing to undertake a life of sacrifice, which is the reason you gave me for not feeling called to the religious life, then you are most definitely un-aware of what marriage really is. As a Catholic, you are going to need to "put your big girl panties on and deal with it" and accept the fact that life is full of sacrifice. If you want to get to heaven, you are going to have to embrace your cross. But this cross does not bring you sorrow. . .it brings you eternal joy, eternal life. Don't let the rough exterior fool you! It may look heavy and hard and full of splinters, but see beyond the outer appearance, the illusion, and you will find roses! Roses to offer to Our Lady, for the conversion of our loved one's, for the coming of the Kingdom of God; not heavy, not burdensome, but light and full of sweet perfume. There is no reason to hesitate in embracing your cross.
Annnnyway, I just can't say enough that you need some good spritual advise. I really know how hard it is to find a good priest in your area, but I will send you an e-mail later, if you promise not to delete it, with some recommendations. I'm sorry if I made you mad earlier, but you know that I am your friend and I don't want to see you make a big mistake. You need to learn to give, and to love. Not just receive.
Marriage is not all about what you are going to get. You are Catholic, and you have been raised very well, but if all you are thinking about when you meet a nice young Catholic man is "oh boy, now I get to stay home and sit on my butt while he works so that I can stay home and have babies, and he'll treat me like a lady and he'll be a gentleman, and he'll buy me nice clothes and presents, and he'll never make me do anything I don't want to do" yada yada, prattle prattle. . . I don't think you are in the proper frame of mind to get married, and I will elaborate.
Marriage is about giving. That sounds pretty gay, but I'm serious. The love that holds a marriage together should NOT make you think of yourself and what you're going to get, but when you love someone in the proper way for marriage, you will find yourself thinking, "he'll never be alone or unsupported again, because I will always be by his side; he'll never eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day for two weeks ever again because I'm going to cook for him; he'll never walk out of the house for work in pants that haven't been washed for three weeks, because I am going to take pride in his appearance and wash his laundry for him; he'll never be lonely again, because I LOVE HIM!". In other words, when you love someone, truly love someone, the main thought and the main current flowing through your heart is about sacrifice, about what YOU are going to do for HIM. It is your vocation, not your vacation.
Hon, are you willing to give up sleeping in until 10 o' clock every morning, so that you can get out of bed with your husband when he gets up to go to work, and make him a piece of toast or bagel and cup of coffee while he's in the shower? Are you willing to keep quiet when he disregards your advice and makes a mistake, instead of feeding your own self love by crowing "I told you so?" Is your main objective to make his life the happiest life on earth? Or is it all about you?
The reason I'm writing this kiddo is because our conversation alarmed me. Everything you told me was about how YOU feel, what YOU are going to get out of this, how happy YOU'LL be. You came to me for advice because I am your age and have been married for almost two years, but you really didn't want my advice or you would have talked to me instead of putting up the defense shields.
You should really read "Three to Get Married" by Archbishop Fulton Sheen. It is a great starting point to finding out what marriage is really all about. Like I said, it is a vocation, and it is undertaken with all of the seriousness that a religious takes up her vocation with. This is a life of sacrifice, self-denial and discipline. It is not a perpetual day-dream. But just as Jesus rewards His religious spouses with His love and consolation, heavenly delights awaiting them, so will your husband reward you ten-fold for the things you give to him. The more you sacrifice for him, the more you cheerfully and totally willingly give up for him and to him, the more he will be encouraged to do the same for you, and he will do it, because he will delight in making you happy. But what if he doesn't respond to your efforts? What if the man we were talking about today gets so wrapped up in work 10 years from now that he forgets to say I love you in the morning, or is away for long periods of time and can't show his affection? Will you wither and dry up because you are not receiving attention? It is tempting, yes, I won't deny it. We ladies want to be cherished and loved, every second. But that is our temptation, our cross, to get so wrapped up in our self-love, our longing for approval and appreciation. . .we can miss the bigger picture, that being our marriage is the plan worked out for our salvation. The times we are misunderstood by our spouses, we offer that up as sacrifice! The times we don't get the I love you's we want, or whatever we want, these are gifts from God to us, to offer these things up for our own penance and for the salvation of souls.
If you're not willing to undertake a life of sacrifice, which is the reason you gave me for not feeling called to the religious life, then you are most definitely un-aware of what marriage really is. As a Catholic, you are going to need to "put your big girl panties on and deal with it" and accept the fact that life is full of sacrifice. If you want to get to heaven, you are going to have to embrace your cross. But this cross does not bring you sorrow. . .it brings you eternal joy, eternal life. Don't let the rough exterior fool you! It may look heavy and hard and full of splinters, but see beyond the outer appearance, the illusion, and you will find roses! Roses to offer to Our Lady, for the conversion of our loved one's, for the coming of the Kingdom of God; not heavy, not burdensome, but light and full of sweet perfume. There is no reason to hesitate in embracing your cross.
Annnnyway, I just can't say enough that you need some good spritual advise. I really know how hard it is to find a good priest in your area, but I will send you an e-mail later, if you promise not to delete it, with some recommendations. I'm sorry if I made you mad earlier, but you know that I am your friend and I don't want to see you make a big mistake. You need to learn to give, and to love. Not just receive.
posted by Therese_Rose_Morning at 6:14 PM
4 Comments:
Girl you crack me up! I hope you didn't mean tacky "granny" panties by "big girl panties" LOL I here you clucking though. I don't think I'm called to religious life or married life so I say "God must know that's I can't do these things." Of course being a little soul, and I don't mean little like holy St. Therese, I mean pretty dang low on the totem pole of saintliness..I just want to try to be good everyday, be sorry for my sins, love Mary and Jesus and hopefully by trusting in Him and knowing how absolutely impossible it is for me to get to Heaven without Him, I'll get there. I have nothing but the utmost respect for wives who are good and holy women and not air heads who think they can live like it's a Jane Austen novel ya know? Then again Elizabeth Bennett is my personal heroine. I wanna be her! (:
I read it, I read it. Thanks for your help. You know Sarah, you've given me some things to think about, I thank you for that. I don't think I'll be engaged soon, because after our conversation I've decided to go on a women's retreat, and Geoff will go on a men's retreat. I really want to make sure I don't have a religious calling, because that doubt you were talking about is still there in my heart, and I had really better go and see before I can make any decisions in concrete. You really hit the nail on the head dear, I am having a hard time embracing my cross, and I am a selfish person. I keep thinking of all the things you and your husband have gone through, and I feel so weak. Please pray for me and Geoff. I'm not mad at you (anymore anyway).
Oh crap I'm sorry, I used your real name. You can delete my comment if you want, I just wanted to let you know that I read your post.
I believe, Lady Fett, that what you said is the key to holiness no matter what vocation you are called to: trying to be good every day, being sorry for our sins, loving Jesus and Mary, trusting in God and His grace, acknowledging that we are totally in His hands. The real key to discerning a vocation too, is total abandonment to the will of God. If we are open and leave ourselves totally vulnerable, totally open to His mercy, giving ourselves up to Him, He will take that gift we offer, and do great things with us. Not that we are great in ourselves, no, we are just instruments, but because we have the gift of free will, we must make the decision to hand ourselves over to God, to let Him use us as His instruments. We don't even need to "worry", per se, about what our vocation in life is or will be, just so long as we are totally happy to do whatever God wants, and we are truly waiting for Him to move us.
LOL, granny panties NEVER!
Amy: Tee hee, don't worry about it. Talk to you later. God bless.
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